1. Loch Ness Cafe

From the recording What's That Thing?

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Loch Ness Cafe

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Joe first imagined Elvis at the Loch Ness Café, and I invited all of the other characters. Turns out that there actually is a Loch Ness Café in Inverness, Scotland, and they contacted us for permission to hang these lyrics on the wall. We're proud to say that this song was a finalist (two categories) in the UK Songwriting Contest, and was played on BBC Scotland radio.

LOCH NESS CAFE (Mike Borok & Joe Giacoio)

I was having lunch with Elvis
At the Loch Ness Café
We were talking ‘bout the dreams we nailed
And the ones that got away
I said, "I wish I was a star like you
God, I love that rock n roll"
He said, "Finish up your soda, son
And your fries are gettin' cold"
The waitresses are beautiful
But they won't give me the time of day
Why do I keep on coming back
To the Loch Ness Café?

Odysseus drank his coffee, black
Then he set out on some trip
And when he thought no one was looking
Lincoln pocketed the tip
I pretended that I didn't see
I just minded my own business
'Cause I knew that the Invisible Man
Was the only other witness
Everybody stares at me
But when I catch ‘em, they look away
Why do I keep on coming back
To the Loch Ness Café?

At a table in the corner
Where the lights were turned down low
I saw the Kennedys holding hands
With Marilyn Monroe
And J. Edgar Hoover, in disguise
Was pretending to mop the floor
Near where Castro sat with Sigmund Freud
Comparing their cigars
The busboy says I'm crazy
And he hits me with his tray
Why do I keep on coming back
To the Loch Ness Café?

Einstein ordered after me
But they brought his dinner first
The waiter took a shortcut
Through an alternate universe
In the men's room, Adolph Hitler
Was complaining to the Pope
That Pontius Pilate got there first
And used up all the soap

Einstein had a hard time
Trying to calculate the tip
He was counting on his fingers
I could see him move his lips
And Hamlet had an omelet
While Ophelia ate a Danish
She said, "You're driving me insane-ish
You're a cold fish with a death wish"

I stopped in after midnight
For a little bite to eat
When I saw the Loch Ness dinosaur
Sitting in my favorite seat
She had a leather jacket on
And a Jimi Hendrix shirt
She was watching the display go 'round
With those oversized desserts
I said, "I thought that you were dead"
She said, "No, I've just been away
But I can't resist the cheesecake
At the Loch Ness Café"

Cary Brown - piano, organ
Rick Garcia - lead guitar, guitar solo
Cliff Hackford - drums
Emile Menasché - electric guitar
Mike - lead vocal, acoustic and electric guitars, bass, harmonica
Barbara - backing vocal